Home remedies for poison oak | Off the Record

Toxicodendron diversilobum. Yes, try saying that three times fast. Your tongue will be twisted from now until Halloween.

If you can't understand it once, don't worry about it. I can not either. But, what I can pronounce is its common name: poison oak.

Not only can I pronounce it, but I can also recognize it, so I wonder: if I can say it and I can recognize it when I see it and I know enough to not touch it, rub it or roll it. Do you manage to carry it all over my body?

I don't know, but I did it. And as with all other causes, unknown mysteries, I blame my husband. It is ridiculous, useless and in no way useful for resolving the constant and widespread itching, but it is someone's fault.

I'm telling you that poison oak is pure spicy insidiously.

The first small patch appears on your shin and you think, "Oh, that's not so bad. I'm going to put some antihistamine cream and it'll be fine." Except that it doesn't work at all and the next day you wake up and there are two patches of the wet substance with itching in your left hand and the next morning, there is a patch under the right arm and that afternoon it slides down the back and for that night there is more on the left elbow.

So you take a cold colloidal oatmeal bath and start applying a calamine lotion appreciating how the pink of things flatter your skin tone without problems until you leave the bathroom and your husband looks at you and says: “What happened there? You look like a big bottle of Pepto-Bismol explodes on you. ”

(Look, this is the reason why he is blamed for things).

You go to bed that night with pajamas and loose cotton mittens so you don't scratch yourself with blood and think, "It will be better in the morning."

Only the morning comes and now the disastrous things are also "presenting", as doctors like to say, inside the thighs, the big toe of the left foot, the lobe of the left ear and both cheeks of the part later. And that's when you know that "hell on earth" is not just a colloquialism. It is real. And itches. Everywhere. Even in places where you don't see any of the blistering, red and leaking patches. Psychosomatic? Maybe, but that doesn't mitigate the itching. So, when someone says, "Oh, it's all in your head," I think a perfectly reasonable answer is to turn them over first and then, in contrition, give them a big hug by rubbing so many exposed areas of the rash on their exposed skin as may be possible. Diabolical? Maybe, but misery loves company, so there you have it.

When you tell people or they just see that you have pernicious things for everyone, and I mean everyone, from close friends to supermarket employees, everyone has "complete proof," "works 100 percent of the time," "it falls apart." her". immediately "home remedies" can not fail "that simply can not wait to share. Immediately after, of course, to tell you your own" do you think you have it wrong? Let me tell you my worst story than yours, the worst cases of poison oak.

Really? Really people? At this moment it is not about you. It's about me, me, me and my agony of tearing my skin, scratching my way to China through my own body. It's about me being a pathetic miserable of pruritus. Get with the program, here. While I appreciate the attempt at camaraderie, I have to admit that I could honestly imply a rat about his past affliction because when I scratch myself like a dog with fleas, the only thing that matters to me is me, me, me and catch myself . , I, a little relief.

In that sense, I disconnect their horror stories and try to focus on the nuggets of "useful tips and suggestions" that, almost immediately I regret to hear them. In addition to oatmeal baths, calamine lotion, cortisone cream, aloe vera gel and antihistamines, these "fully tested home remedies" include things like spraying with apple cider vinegar; rubbing a banana peel or watermelon peel in the affected areas; generously apply Dawn dish soap to the rash and wash it with coffee; make a paste with baking soda and water or mixed potatoes and water or mixed cucumbers or turmeric and lemon juice that you are supposed to spread on the PO and then wrap with a plastic wrap; and finally soaking up vodka.

My initial reaction to these well-intentioned tips was: "Are they beaten?" But on Thursday, when there was more of me covered with crawling dirt than not, I gave up and threw away everything I had in the eruptions.

The first thing I did was cover my whole body with Dawn blue soap, let it sit for a few minutes and then rinse it with coffee. (Hint after the fact: cold coffee, idiot!) Then, I sprayed myself with apple cider vinegar. For the record, this helped but alone, I think, because it hurt so much that the itching became a secondary source of torment for about 10 minutes. After that, I threw potato, cucumber, turmeric, baking soda and lemon juice in the blender and while mashing, I vigorously rubbed a banana peel first and then a watermelon peel on me. The net result? Sticky, very sticky and still itchy. But at least I had a small fruit salad to enjoy while I was smeared with potato paste / cucumber / baking soda / turmeric / lemon juice.

Then I wrapped myself in a plastic wrap. There was a lot, um, territory to cover, so when I ran out of plastic wrap I changed to "press and seal." In no way was that going to fall apart.

And that was when I realized that I had forgotten the vodka. Then I improvised. I took the leftover cucumber, some ice, threw it in a glass and poured a copious glass of Gray Goose over everything, put another antihistamine, spread a beach towel on the carpet, took another drink of vodka because the ice and cucumber They were still good and lie down so that everything works.

And that was exactly where my husband found me three hours later: cold and shrunk on the floor of the room, still itchy. Definitely your fault.

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